An Update on BFZ

BFZ and I are going on a date on Saturday.  Like, a legitimate date.  I'm very excited.  I feel a little awkward (honestly) because he isn't quite the person that I dream about dating, but I always have so much fun with him and I really do like him.

The real reason that I'm telling you about this is because I have a paper due at the end of semester, and I've decided to write it on Saturday.  The biggest problem is that I haven't done any work on it and I am avoiding everything to do with it.  *awkward*

Right now I should be writing an outline, because I promised myself that I would, but it's so haaaaard.  I don't want to do it.  Not now, not ever.  It's not even going to be that difficult to put this paper together, I already have a bajesus load of sources, I just need to narrow down what I actually want to talk about.  I'd like to go in depth into how synesthesia (that's the topic of my paper) can help and hinder day-to-day life, focusing on it's abilities to enhance memory while also distracting the student.  I'm excited for the end product, but I'm worried about the process.

My actual best friend is coming on Thursday.  We are going to go dancing (finally I won't be by myself) and then she's coming to all my classes on Friday and then probably staying until Saturday morning.  So I will use one meal on her Thursday night, and one for lunch on Friday.  That should be fine.  I'm sure we will go out Friday night because that sounds like fun!

So I Did the Running....

Yesterday after I signed off of this blog, I went for a run.  It was awful, but NU makes me do it, so I keep up with it in case she tests me to make sure I have actually been upping my increments.  Ugh.

In regards to bfZ and SSBB, I saw SSBB today and I do, in fact, continue to have an unreasonable attraction to him.  *ignoring* I am ignoring everything now.  I'm going to go eat a brownie, do my nails, watch TV, and brush my teeth then go to flute choir and band and class and somehow find myself some dinner.

Aight.

The Things You Need to Know

If you follow my posts religiously (as everyone should), then you might be wondering what kinds of things have happened since Homecoming Weekend.  Well, everything has.

I visited FT and only got to spend like 30 minutes with him because he had to head home because his brother was visiting from the navy.  So that was a little lame, but I don't blame him.

Fall break was my ultimatum for SSBB.  I didn't ever tell him, but I've given up entirely on that seduction plan.  It's irritating to think that I let my attraction get in the way of anything.  I'm tired of it.  If he's not going to show up on time or bother to text me back, I'm not going to waste my time on him.

The main problem now is that there are still two men in my life.  MfB and bfZ.  I'm ignoring the entire situation, as MfB has a girlfriend and I don't want to really date bfZ I just want to spend time with him all the time.  He's my favorite.

I'm going to go physically run away from my feelings now.  Aight.

Homecoming Weekend

Homecoming weekend turned out to be a struggle for more people than just me.  But I had some pretty epic struggles myself and it has led me to make some poor decisions about Fall Break.  Let me give you some background:

Last year, in about April, I got with this guy we'll call FT.  He was a senior and we just hung out and it was really fun.  I didn't see him all summer and was practically forgetting how much I liked him, until he showed up at Oktoberfest as an alum.  He wanted to meet up, so I talked to him for a bit and it was fabulous.  Now when I go up to Iowa to see FP, I'm going to see FT as well.  Awks...

Right now I'm in the library.  I was working on chem homework and waiting for SSBB to show up to work on it with me, but he didn't come.  I'm not incredibly surprised.  I need some help with like 8 problems, so I hope he can help me out later today... but he's probably asleep.

I need to work on my IS project, I don't want to let SM down.  But I've only gotten one thing back from anyone, so I'm not feeling super conflicted on if I should do it now or not.  I am going to go and find an article now though.

That's all.  Aight.

I'm pretty sure my life is a sitcom

Today I worked the Ren Faire for homecoming with the rest of the neuro club, this of course including MB.  MB is one of my absolute favoritest people to hang out with--he's just so much fun!  The problem being that I found out on Wednesday that he got in trouble a couple weeks ago because his girlfriend heard that some girl was flirting with him and walking down the hallway together.  I feel really bad that he got in trouble because of me.  I was just helping him carry boxes for his brewing research....  His girlfriend was manning the women's soccer table across the way from our booth, so I felt super awkward and was trying to not have too much fun.  Blech.

Last night, SSBB texted me that he had done all of the chem homework.  He didn't wait for me.  Or inform me.  So I was waiting for him and he was doing it all afternoon.  It made me kind of upset.  I'm not very happy about it.

I think I'm going to put myself on another man hiatus.  I've had enough of this.

I don't know as my man hiatus served me as well as I expected

I don't think my man hiatus served me as well as I expected.  It certainly worked last year in friend-zoning every single possible guy, and that was its purpose.  My problem now is that every single man looks so much better than he might have last year when I didn't feel so pressed.

Case in point:  SM.  S, SM.  He is so much fun!  I love going to that stupid class just so I can sit by AE and giggle the entire class period at absolutely everything he says.  The problem with him is that he has a girlfriend.  Who lives in Norway.  That sounds like a cop-out to me, though it's probably real.

I have work to do, but I'm waiting for NU to come back from her meeting so that I can talk to her about everything on the planet.  Also, I'm totally not going to do any more work tonight, not like I really got any done today anyways.  I'm not a productive person.  I should probably just quit college while I'm ahead.

That's all.  Aight.

Well here I am again...

I've found that writing in this blog is actually very relaxing, so I think I will continue to do it.

In regards to SSBB and WH I still don't have an answer, but I had a wonderful time chatting with GG tonight.  He read over my IS paper and then he met me at SP's floor event (they're dating btw).

(I'm trying to use more code names because the internet, but it makes it look more stressful I think)

I think the reason I like talking to GG so much is because he isn't afraid to say what he wants to.  I could say literally anything to him and I wouldn't worry about offending him.  Sometimes it does worry me though that I like talking to him so much, I'm afraid SP is going to be mad.  I know she won't actually be, but still...right?

RM and her boyfriend broke up today.  I feel bad because I bought her cookies and I wrote her a note and then I left for seriously the entire night.  That probably wasn't very nice of me, but I did have to write that reflection paper.  And then I couldn't resist talking to GG.  I'm not a very good roommate I don't think....

The whole room still smells slightly like vomit from Saturday.  Blech.  I texted SSBB that the worst thing about being sober when your friends were drunk was cleaning up their vomit.  He told me I should have left it.  I was worried for a while that he thought I lied to him about being sober because I did go to Joe's with my friends still and like his entire team was there.  But I decided that if he wanted to know I would have told him that I only go because I want to take care of NU.  I love her so much.  I worry about her a lot too.  This blog certainly makes it sound like I worry a lot.  I promise I don't.

I want to go to bed, but RM is watching a movie and I don't want to disrupt her since she really gets to do whatever she wants until fall break probably.

Oh and also, I informed GG outright that I was off my man-hiatus from last year and that if somebody wants me they should just tell me, so he should pass that off onto SSBB and WH and we will see what happens from there.  I hope good things.  I don't even know what that would be.

I told TG that if WH asked me nicely I would cuddle with him.  I don't think she understands that I really do not hate him and GG as much as everyone else does.  I don't know quite why they all dislike them so much.  That's one of the things that I talked to GG about tonight.  He was like "what did we do to them?" and I was like "I'm not 100% sure...".  That makes me feel bad too.  It's like I'm taking part in hatred even though I don't want to, and that doesn't seem very equal rights.

I promise my next blog will be more upbeat!  Aight.

And what exactly am I supposed to do now?

Remember like a week or so ago when I said that I wasn't sure if SSBB (the guy I'm seducing) actually liked me back?  And that I kept getting weird mixed signals from him?  Well I think I've figured it out.

A little more than a week ago I complained to Dom that I thought my seduction techniques may have been too effective and that I may have accidentally seduced WH.  I was mostly joking at the time, because I hadn't collectively thought about why I thought that.  It was just the "gut feeling" that we talked about in Neurobio today.

Reasons I think WH may love me:
he let me hug him
he gave me bacon
he gave me some of his cookie
his other friend asked what I thought about him
he is always with SSBB when we study

Reasons I think SSBB may love me:
he won't let me do the homework without him
he always compliments my intelligence
he told me I was a goddess
he does the entire lab while I supervise
he told me I was cute

This is a big problem because WH and SSBB are best friends.  Like literally they are the bestest of all friends that ever did live.  This is really unfortunate.  I was talking to Kammie last night, and she said that she felt bad because she had cuddled with someone that someone else already had dibs on,  The other girl said it was okay that Kammie make a move on him, but then was secretly upset which everyone suspected.

I think what has happened is that in my seduction of SSBB I have accidentally seduced WH and now he has called dibs.  This puts SSBB in an awkward position since he can't tell me that he loves me and he will feel weird if I tell him and he has to say no because WH claimed me.

I didn't think that love triangles existed in real life, but this is literally the only explanation for what is going on right now.

And what exactly am I supposed to do now?

Help!

When I do things that really aren't safe

So far this year, a lot of things have happened.  One of those things that hasn't surprised me is the amount that Cara has been working.  She works literally all the time.  All the damn time.  And then she gets upset when we go and do things without her while she's at work.  It's really irritating.  The moral of the story is that I've actually been avoiding doing things so that she doesn't get upset.  That's not fun for me.

It was Outfly on Tuesday, so we had Tuesday's classes on Friday.  That means that I didn't have to go to class until 9:35.  So, I decided that I wanted to go to Beck's to linedance on Thursday.  I asked all my friends if they wanted to come with me, and of course they did.  I was really excited!  Like so incredibly excited!!!  Leah and Emma and Emily and Cara and Dom were all going to come!  Well, it turned out that Dom was on duty and Leah had a meeting and Emma had a meeting about something else.  So as of Thursday at like 7pm it was just me and Cara and Emily, and that was fine with me.  We were going to leave at 8:30, so at like 8:10ish I left the RA office in Clinton to go get ready and Emily was going to join me in like 10 minutes.  Then I get to the room and Cara is sitting here watching a tv show and she says "so...I have to work in the morning..." and I say "if you don't want to go, that's fine.  I'll go by myself, it won't bother me."  And she says, "Emily will go with you, it'll be fine."  About 20 seconds later I get a text from Emily that she's going to stay and do homework instead of coming.  So I finish getting ready, get in my car, and drive myself to Cedar Falls.

I spend the next like 3 hours texting Madison, dancing, and just overall having the time of my life.  I met this guy named Adam from UNI and I asked him to dance with me and it was just a fabulous time.

The problem is:  everybody keeps talking about when we are going to go next.  But I don't know if I want to invite them.  I realize it isn't incredibly safe for me to go dancing by myself, and it was kind of awkward when I sat out a dance because I was all alone.  That being said, it really irritated me when everyone bailed.  I'm not physically mad at them, but it's still like I'm not going to change my plans because you decided you don't want to do it tonight anymore.  I think I'm just going to go whenever I want and not invite anyone to go with me.

Is that dickish?

Do I care?

That's all.  Aight.

HAHA remember when I said I would write more?

Do you remember that?  I do.  Let me update you on everything that has happened thus far this year.

My actual flute practicing did do well to get me into Wind Ensemble, sadly it did not work for Justina.  I did get to hang out with her this weekend though!

My classes aren't really all that exciting or difficult.  I spend the majority of my time lying around.  I try to be really effective with studying, so I never study at night unless I'm with SSBB because he always studies at night.  I do feel bad though because if people ask what I've been doing, I really don't have a good answer.  Like today, I just came inside from laying in the grass reading my IS articles.  It wasn't a strenuous task, but it still counts as studying, right?  I've only had one test thus far, and I got a 92% on it.  I did all of my work for the week on Sunday after Madison left and I painted Dom's nails.  So I accomplished everything I needed to from the whole weekend in about 6 hours including going to two meetings and eating dinner.  EFFECTIVE.

I have found a new place to study in the Science Center, and it is fabulous.  The sun comes in the window and you can just sit there and play your country music and if your favorite song comes on you can two-step your textbook across the room and no one judges.

The only problems I'm having right now is how everybody seems to be upset with everyone else.  You talk about spending time with someone and someone else gets irritated that you don't hate them.  And I'm like, y'all need to calm down for serious.

I'm trying to seduce this one guy, and it totally is working.  Also, he totally knows that I'm seducing him, so either he loves me or he's having quite the giggle watching me seduce him.  idk.  It's kind of a fun time.  It doesn't really matter, since I realize nothing seems to be coming out of it.

It seems like I always have a lot of things to do for clubs and activities, but other times it seems like I have literally nothing to do.  Like I was working on something for Scholars, but now that's done.  I had been doing some stuff for BRAiNS, but I have that done now too.

That's all, I'm going to go lay down some more.  Aight.

I Bet You're Wondering Why I'm Writing This....

I bet you're wondering why I'm writing this and I will tell you.  I told myself that before I could eat dinner tonight I needed to order my new shoes and practice my band audition music.  Would you care to take a wild guess as to which I have not yet completed?  Wow, how'd you know?  IT'S THE BAND MUSIC.

For the sake of being completely honest, I'm going to let you in on a secret:  I haven't played my flute since April.  Except the time we took it to the repair shop to get the tension adjusted.  That's one time.  One measly F extended scale and extended arpeggio.  I can't do this.  I don't want to.

But on the other hand, if I practice, the likelihood of being in Wind Ensemble again is much higher.  And after band tour I simply don't think I could survive a year of Wartburg without seeing Maria and Justina like every single day.  I love them *far* too much.

What does this have to do with this blog post, you ask?  Well, if I don't get off my computer it's like I never finished ordering those shoes.  I even recorded my calories for the day, for the first time since May.  (I'm like 900 below and that's not really good...).  <-- and that includes the chocolate raspberry truffle that I just ate in Mt. Vernon with my mother.  mmmmm.

I'm going to make an effort to write more consistently in this here blog.  Why?  Because you can't actually delete them.  So I might as well keep using it, since it will be on the internet forever no matter what.  So see you all of next year!  Aight.

Public Works Projects

Lots of things have happened, but none of them are super ground-breaking.

I did read a fascinating article for my Senegal class (though my trip has been cancelled I still have to attend the class all semester) about public works projects.  It was really interesting how they described that a lot of the work that was, I guess, commissioned, by the government never benefitted the majority of inhabitants because it was basically only for foreigners and to make the city more visit-able.  In addition, the projects made the daily life of all inhabitants more difficult through making traffic jams and blocking off parts of neighborhoods.  So not only did their original roads suck, they couldn't really drive anywhere else anymore.  Then, think about this for a while, buses have fixed routes (determined by the company and the driver can't change them) so the buses get backed up even more than individual drivers because they can't take shortcuts or anything but official detours.  So the people who have to ride the buses get even more disadvantaged.

So my question is:  do all public works projects have effects of this sort?  That just kind of ruin everyone's lives but don't have a big enough scope to be worth it to the majority?

I was going to make a comparison to public works projects in the United States when I realized that I'm not sure I know any.  There was that thing in the depression with WPA, and something happened with the New Deal... but I honestly am not that knowledgeable about our nation's history.  I should know more!  Whose fault is this?!  Probaby mine.  But also the curriculum and the government, cuz why not blame everyone on the entire planet?!  What should we do about this?  I, personally, don't really want to take action, though at this moment I feel very strongly about this topic.  Aight.

Oh and by the way the article I read was:

Ethnography on the Road:  Infrastructure Vision and the Unruly Present in Contemporary Dakar
by Caroline Melly.  Africa:  The Journal of the International African Institute, Volume 83, Number 3, August 2013, pp. 385-402

Conclusions

True to Dr. Birgen's word, professors will give at least partial credit for assignments lost through the internet (so long as you have a back-up copy).  So that problem is solved now and forever, Amen.

I'm working very hard on getting everything set-up and done at the times that I want it to be.  Sometimes, however, the more I think about and plan everything--I don't remember that I haven't actually done it yet.  I have some emails I want to send, and I have the words all formulated in my mind, but I just remembered that I never wrote them down.  I just thought I did because I know exactly what I am going to say.

I went home last weekend.  In true drastically different form from my last post about being home, it was mostly to escape.  That's bad, isn't it?  Everyone came back from break super stressed out.  Luckily we are all calming back down and this weekend shouldn't be an issue.  I also got to stock up on snacks and do my laundry so that's a plus!

I'm getting to be better friends with my stand partner.  My plan is to hang out in non-stressful band situations so I don't have to be super disciplined and never cross my legs or show my shoulders.  That way, I can meet people less awkwardly.  That's what I need.  On the other hand, because I don't have any good friends in band I never want to go to band events to make new friends.  It's a paradox.  Like how I want to wear my new shoes, but I don't want to wear the rest of an outfit to go with them.  "You mean I can't wear all black with my brown shoes?  Darn!"

Ummmm, I don't have anything super deep to say....  I do really miss having a French language class though.  I'm in a French culture one now and even though I read the books in French, we never speak it and it makes me sad and then I start speaking French to myself (and also apparently in my sleep says Cara) and then I just feel super lame.  That's all.  Aight.

For Pete's Sake

I maintain that I hate the internet.  I find out today my.wartburg has lost my religion assignment that was due as well.  I've had enough.  No more assignments will be turned in online ever again.

Forum Posts and the Internet

I would just like to take a moment to discuss how much I hate the internet.  We have to post on a forum for our French assignments, and I find out today that the one I wrote for Monday's class never actually went through so I get an F for that post.  I wrote it.  I know it told me I submitted it.  I crossed it off my list of things to do.  But the God forsaken internet made a mistake and now I have lost 10 points, which pisses me off.

That's all.  Watch how this post won't even go through now.

So It Begins

I've returned to Wartburg, and the first day of the semester commenced.  After doing about a third of the readings due on Wednesday, I took a well-deserved break and have realized exactly how much I missed my friends over break.

Don't get me wrong, I too remember the post over Thanksgiving break.  "There's no men's hallway in my house!  I can't go on!"  But now I really and truly understand just how important everyone is to me, and how great it is we all live on the same floor.  I can't imagine how people feel who don't like their roommate, or never hang out with anyone.  It would be so lonely and sad all the time!

Other things I've realized include my inability to comfort people.  I am not a comforting person.  In no way.  I'm the kind of person you go to to distract from your problems, not to discuss them.  Sure, I can pass out thoughtful advice as well as the next guy, but any more than that is a bit much for me.  The thing I really don't get though is why I can't.  When I have a problem I don't just go retreat to a corner, I always want to talk to someone about it.  Why can't I use this same logic on other people?  "What would I want someone to do for me right now?"  Honestly, put on the spot, in the moment of crisis, I can't come up with anything.  I couldn't, for the life of me, tell you what I should do in that situation.  I couldn't even tell you what other people would do for me.

Happier topic:  I have begun my essays about Things I'm Dubious About.  So far there's only two entries.  I figure, if every time I feel myself getting dubious about things I write it down, then at the end of the year I'll have a bunch of little paragraphs that I can smush together under headings and have an actual legit document of dubiousness.

Scarier topic:  band.  That's all I have to say about it.

I don't have class tomorrow, so I plan to actually do the rest of my readings, make my flashcards, and maybe.... eat some oatmeal.  Aight.

Yes, thank you, I've realized that

I know that this blog was only for Scholar's and now I'm writing in it on my own dear, sweet, precious time, but I have some things to discuss and there's no one else around that I want to talk to.

I just had a mini freak-out about my schedule for next semester.  I think it stems from my feelings that I have wasted my winter break.  But upon acknowledging that, I understand now and am no longer having a freak out.  What did I want to talk about then?  That's a very good question.

There's a lot of things I've been thinking about lately.  Things I'm dubious about.  I'm working very hard to think through them (you know, classic philosopher style) but really I just want to write them down.  I think I'm going to publish a set of essays entitled "Things I'm Dubious About."  Then I'm going to become famous and be in a magazine.  I really like magazines.  They're so exciting when you get them.  Maybe I should subscribe to one at college.  Neuroscience, or French or Cosmo.  You know, things that matter to the world.  I guess I should find one I like first.  It's just so exciting.  The first part is when you get the mail.  Like, having mail at all is the best thing in the world.  Ever.  Then it's something that you actually want which makes it even better.  Then you get to carve out some time in your day to read something frivolous that you have to make time for cuz you bought it.  Then you get to learn about things.  It's the best!

But for real, things I've been thinking about.  God.  Relationships.  Learning to play an instrument.  Reading.  Education.  Basically anything else on the planet that you can think of.  Yes.  I'm definitely going to write a collection of essays.  Just you wait world!  Here I come!

Okay, all of this rambling was basically just an excuse for me to get out my computer to keep my legs warm.  It's really cold in my room for some odd reason.  Aight.